I was standing in the toilet, waiting to wash my five years old boy’s butt. Haih…when will my butt washing days be over? I remember my older children can wash their own butts when they were much younger because I was a working mom and they had to DIY at daycare. But this is the youngest, most pampered, spoilt little boy so I shall just keep doing it for a few more months because he is not going to kindie until next year.

(photo taken last year in Taiping Zoo)

And he asked me, “How to be altar boy?”

For a second, I was happy that finally, after so many boys, one of them indicates his interest to be a server in church. At last! Yes! Hallelujah! I know my boy would look awfully cute in the robe, following the priest around.

So, I gladly explained to him, “Very easy, when you are a bit older, mommy just take you to find one of the kor-kor like Bryan or Oyog and they will teach you. Very fun, you can ring bells and play with smoke.”

My baby in his birthday suit, sitting so cosy on his cushion toilet seat looks on dreamily…

He asked again, “Oh so easy only? No need to cut?”

Me, “Huh, cut what? You just need practice only.”

And he told me, “David said must cut neow-neow.”

Me, “Haiyor…no lah……”

He replied, “Neh…..David always bluff me wannnnn!!!!”

Bwahahaha…so, I washed his butt and both of us went to find the culprit.

Me, “DAVID!!!!! You come here. What have you been telling your baby brother lah? He said must circumcise to be an altar server.”

David replied, “MA!!!! You said it! You said if want to be a Jew or a Muslim, must circumcise. You teach wannnn.”

*slaps forehead* See how words and things get twisted in a five years old boy’s mind? We were talking about the different faiths the other day and my little boy got all those confused. Haih…

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I made some nice jelly today. Any idiot can do it too. Just buy one packet of agar-agar powder, follow the instructions and you get some nice jelly. Even my five years old boy know how to do it, if I let him play with fire, i.e.

Buy the jelly from Thailand. Not sure why but Thais are great with jellies and agar-agar. I think one packet costs less than RM2.

Copying the idea from Hochiak Delicious Asian foods, I cut some red dragon fruit into the agar-agar. The red colour is all original red colour from the dragon fruit. I love red dragon fruits. You know why? Because it makes my urine orange and what came out in the toilet bowl, looks like my whole intestines had been blended and mushed up.

From one packet of agar-agar powder, I made three types of agar-agar. One is the green heart, the red dragon fruit and the other the sirap manis, slightly pinkish plain ones.

#1 son : Mom, that looks like a pair of implants. The silicon implants.

#3 son : Yalah, like yours mom!

Me : HOI, cilaka what like mine? Niamah, I original lah.

#3 : Like the one that dropped out in the washing machine.

Me thinking, WTF, what dropped out? Think, think, think….

Me : Ish, that one is not silicon lah! That one from the swimsuit lah. Lycra!

#2 son : This one is just an A-cup.

Me : HOI, where you learn all these ah? They teach you in skool izzit?

Nice Sunday. Why they don’t hold protest in Penang ah? So boring, no place to go protest.

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I wrote something in my faith blog the other day…

No one can understand what freedom is until they can just step out of the house without worries about the kids.

and Sooi-Sooi, one of my regular reader said :

omg, u just hit that right in the nail! i still have more than a decade to that day

I know a lot of moms with young kids have these feelings. Yeah, we are very happy to be moms and having little babies to adore and pamper. But sometimes, it becomes a long grind with no light at the end of the tunnel. It becomes dirty diapers after dirty diapers cycle. And when the baby is much older and is mobile, we have to worry about the risk of cuts, falls, bumps and knocks.

Now, at least I can get a breather because the kids are much older. But still, there is something that I missed. A long bath, without anyone knocking on the door with things like,

“Mommmmmm…..look at David!!!!! He doesn’t want to give me the remote control!!!!!”

or

“Ma………what are you doing??????? I am hungry!!!!!! I want fried rice!!!! Faster before I die of hunger.”

or

“HOI!!!! Mader….how long are you going to take????? We are going out right NOWWWW!!!”

or

“MOMMYYYYY…..I got tummy ache….I need to pangsai (poo) NOWWWW!!!”

Sigh….I wish I have a bathroom which is sound proof and come with cushion walls so that no one can bother me when I am enjoying my bath. Maybe I will put a huge red beaming lights “The queen is in the bath, do not disturb or risk getting electrocuted” and then, put one of those electric fencing.

The Italians do know how to pamper themselves. When I was there and staying even in small motels, their bathrooms normally are decorated with opulent finishing. Never mind that they have very small bedrooms. Their bathrooms are huge with bidet and all.

The tap heads are gold plated and a few of the bigger hotels have sauna and jacuzzi built in too. They have those shower enclosures that come with a seat and all kind of settings with massage and all that pomp. Looking at this site for Bathroom Suites, I wish I had stayed back in Rome, Florence or Venice and find an Italian man who owns a villa.

So, sons, disturb me somemore when I am taking my baths, I elope to Italy and live in Lake Como forever.

Sigh…moms don’t have a life of their own when they earned the title ‘MOM’.

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(this is just a humor post)

Scene at home

I was trying to teach my sons about some facts of life like being caring. So these conversation took place…..

Me : You know ah, today someone told me (some sad things). You know ah…your ma ah…is a magnet for the sad, poor and downtrodden folks….

So, I thought….wuah…bangga, can teach my sons how to be caring…Sure they very touched to hear their sorrowful mother being kind and all those mushy-mushy stuffs lah….

Manatau……

#1 : Chey….magnet to the poor people for what lah….Be the magnet to millionaires lah….

#2 : Yalah, yalah…..be magnet to millionaires, then, we mah get plenty of money lorrr

Me : HOI! Cilaka! What? You want to trade your mader for money kah?

#1 : No need wan……

#2 : Yalah, just want the money only mah…..Eh, mader, you think your saham so tinggi, can find millionaires somemore kah?

Me : Niamah…..Chewren, listen here….There is no free lunch in this world, wokay…..No such thing as free lunch, remember…..

(some shoes we bought in Singapore, about RM500, call Nike Koi)

Then, we went shopping at Queensbay mall….time to get even….

I walked pass Faceshop. Normally, if I pass by, I sure have plenty of things to buy because Faceshop stuffs are cheap if I compare it with Bodyshop, SKII and Bobbi Brown.

Me : Your sorrowful mother must sacrifice for her children. Cannot get near Faceshop even, cos no money. All spent on you. Nay..that pair of Nike Koi….how much liao?

#2 : Eh, what what sorrowful mader? *whisper mode* RM500

Then, we went to eat sushi and I love unagi’s skin. So, the son doesn’t eat fish skin. I took the skin and ate it.

Me : Your sorrowful mother must sacrifice for her children. Get to eat only the miserable eel’s skin…

Son : Somemore say sorrowful mother, I take this chopsticks and poke your eyes then, you baru know what is sorrowful…..(in a joking manner ok?)

(some Nike call Lobster, sold out the moment it is launched in Malaysia. My son bought a size 10 and is keeping it for re-selling. He said he can sell it off for a good price. Right now, he is not auctioning it off yet. Bought this from Limited Edition in Queensway, Singapore. The shop introduced by Nike’s staff.)

After dinner, we went to buy socks…..

Me : Your sorrowful mother must…….

So…basically, the whole night I rub it in on them on how they spent money. Preached somemore…. (in a joking way, of course)

Me : Eh, son, you have sold your soul to the devil already. Now, all want brands and all want limited edition. You know what I should do with you? I go call the bishop and our three priests and kasi you exorcism baru tau. Then hor….I go ask the priest to find a room for you to stay with him there so he can brainwash you. If not hor, your sorrowful mother sure pokkai with the kind of stuffs you buy. Buy socks also must buy Nike. Bata socks cannot wear wan meh?

Son : Eh, mader….you know what? Jesus said we must not store up treasure on earth. That means we must spend, spend, spend our money. Jesus only say store up treasures in heaven.

Anyway…the #2 son is into stuffs like these so we just korek our pockets (to import the materials from China) and let him experiment lor….He has his own site at SpectrumReflectors.com and he sews those reflective suspender belts worn by the shufflers. Fuyoh, NOT like mother, definitely.

Meanwhile, the #1 son pulak, I don’t know what online game he is playing. Get a lot of ’stocks’ from the games, he sold off to some angmohs. Can make money playing online game now wor. Thank God.

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These are some photos that meant a lot to me. So, I actually do not care what others think ‘cos what matters are what are important to me. Yeah, right, it is a mushy post.

This is my handsome little #5 in his suit. Jerry, my niece’s boyfriend took it when we were in Singapore. We woke him quite early that morning around 8 am because he needs to be there to open the door for the bridegroom (my nephew, aka #5’s cousin brother). It is a Chinese tradition to have a little boy to open the car door for the bridegroom. Initially, I thought he is going to throw a fuss and will definitely refused to put on the three piece suits, i.e. a jacket, a bolero and a shirt inside. But nope, he was the angelic little boy, cannot wait to earn his angpow to buy toys.

Then, we went to church during the afternoon for the church wedding. I even managed to get him to wear an orange t-shirt like me. Both of us are perfect Sai Baba’s disciples, no? Tumeric orangey, uniform of the Hindraf group. If Hindraf needs extra members, call me lah!

I normally do not like to put my photo this big but I must say that it is a picture of happiness, bliss and completeness. In fact, my #5’s name is Marn or full or complete in Mandarin. Except that sometimes, I mispronounced the Marn and it sounds like Slow. Doh…

Now, the main part of the post…..

Few days ago, my #5 dug out an old album. It was taken on November, 2001. I remember because it was my #3 birthday. He was five years old (like my #5 now). He celebrated his birthday in the high dependency unit in Adventist hospital.

My #5 asked me, “Mommy….why I am not in the photo? Why only Vincent kor-kor?” Hmmm…why indeed? I told him, “Mommy hasn’t grown you yet. Mommy only grow you after Vincent kor-kor died. That’s why you are not in there lor…”

Eheh, I have almost the same smile. I think I gave birth only about 2 months and Vincent was still on oxygen but we removed his oxygen tube for a quickie photo session. The photos weren’t clear because we dare not use the flashlight and we only had a film SLR camera.

The above photo was taken somewhere in Sungai Buloh’s highway stop, when we were on our way home from Singapore recently. Those monkeys there can never pose for nice photos. They just had to act like those gangsters from Kung Fu Hustle. At least with this one, I don’t see anyone putting up a middle finger just when I was about to snap the picture.

Six years and the kids have grown so much!

The above video was taken some months back where my #5 wanted to try making cock-eye but he still has problems co-ordinating.

Anyway……God is great. I lose some, I win some. At the end of the day, we are still one happy family, a much more enriched one.

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My niece asked me to ‘fast fast blog’ her newborn’s photos because her sister and sister-in-law (bro’s wife) who are both pregnant are excited to see the pictures. Both preggies are living in KL.

So, here goes a couple of photos.

So cute. Baby girl, 6lbs something (2.9 kg I think)

Uncle Matthew. Hehehe. He hates being called Uncle Matthew.

Baby has lots of hair, nice eyebrows and looks….like a girl!

I see already, I told hubby, “Aiyerrrr….I also want baby…So nice wan……”

He gave me killer stare.

The new mom with my sister and bro-in-law. She is walking about already, recovering very fast.

It is a raining and so cold today. So, the grandaunt (me lah) had a cup of caffe latte at Harvey’s in Island Hospital. Now…what shall I cook for my niece for dinner? I made her mee suah with sesame oil and ginger pork soup.

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Hubby got his wisdom tooth extracted this afternoon. Many hours after that, he was still bleeding.

Me : Eh, how come I don’t remember having any wisdom tooth, geh?

#2 Son : That means you got no wisdom lor, means you stooooopid lor.

Me : Cheee….b…………y……………e

# 2 Son : I come out from there wan….

Then, the big man was still bleeding right up to 10 pm. He broke the rule of not rinsing because the taste of the bleeding caused him go ‘uwekkk…uwekkk….’ Stood at the toilet sink like morning sickness like dat.

My poor little boy was traumatised and got tears in his eyes. So kesian… He thought chialat liao, bleeding wor. I told him kenot kesian papa wan, cos he acting only.

Cos the papa cannot talk, use pen and paper to write with him. Chey…Boyllywood drama wan. Sai mm sai kum gwa cheong ah…..The husband is like that. Sikit-sikit sakit like very big deal like dat.

He asked me, “Go blog and see what solutions your readers have for bleeding gum.”

Me : Chey…no need wan, I just need to Google.

He had tried biting on the gauze, used ice and sitting up to make the bleeding stop. So, I Googled and read that one site suggested using tea bags because the tannin acid will cause blood clot. Don’t know true or not but tea won’t kill, right?

So, I went to the kitchen to get the tea bag and my #3 kacau me, “Faster….papa bleeding you know….”

Cos I was deciding between Jasmine Green Tea, Boh Cameronian, Lipton Gold, Oolong, Thit Kuan Yin….., taking my own sweet time.

He was just teasing me. FASTER! FASTER! YOUR HUSBAND BLEEDING YOU KNOWWWWW…..

Geram, I told him, “Ahchehhhh….I gave birth to you, doctor cut me open big big and took you out, I also never bleed to death lah….What’s a tiny hole left by the tooth lah. Somemore hor…….”

I never finish the sentence lah. Cos he is only 12 years old mah….

Somemore hor….I bocor every month and my tea bag is 10 times this tiny tea bag, I also never die wat. Somemore mine one lasts several days. Also never die wat.

So, ahcheh…what’s a little bleeding lah.

BTW, my niece gave birth to a baby girl liao. C-sec.

My sister asked me how many c-secs I have.
I have #1 c-sec, #2 and #3 normal, #4 and #5 c-sec.

You got wisdom tooth anot? No wisdom tooth, cannot comment wokay?

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First of all, let me note down what I dreamed last night. I dreamt I become a dragon and soar to the sky. OMG! Somemore hor, the dragon me got red wings one. (I am born in dragon year, btw)

There are two different dream interpretations. In Chinese, if you dream of dragons, it means you are going to have abundant luck. I think I better go buy some lottery. My son told me the lottery’s prize now is RM10 million. I told him, “Good lah, like this I go buy and make deal with Jesus. If I strike, I give RM2 million to charity.” He lectured me about virtues and about gambling. Eh, I told him, so & so told me that it is not a sin to buy lottery so if I buy only one, tak salah lah.

However, to some Christians, dragon is a big no-no to them because dragons are symbols of the devil. So, how? I Chinese first, mah. Right? Never mind, first lottery peddler to approach me today will get my RM3. Eh, how much does one lottery ticket costs nowadays?

Secondly, my niece is going to have a baby anytime soon. Or maybe by now. OMG, I am going to be a grand-aunt. Ee-poh. Yee-porh. (wuah, she married in 2004 wor)

Of course, I had been grand-aunt on the hubby’s side since the day I kahwin. Many, many times over ‘cos my mother-in-law last time hor, she pregnant together with her eldest and second daughter. *swt* My hubby’s nieces and nephews are older than him.

But this is different mah. I very biased wan, my side of the family wor. The Chan side. My eldest sister’s eldest daughter. Next, her older brother’s wife is going to have baby. Then, her younger sister too. The other day when I went to my sister’s house, all three of them, preggies sat together. Wuah, so blissful. My sister is going to be grandma three times over between now and October. And I think I must give thanks to God ‘cos my late mother is going to be ‘ah chor’. Fuyoh.

My sesame oil, ginger and pork all waiting for the new mom. But now, kena caesarean, so kena tangguh projek masak confinement foods till tomorrow liao.

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Q for Quit

E for …….Ediot!

My little boy can pretty much pronounce words based on what he sees because with the sound of consonants and vowels, he can guess words. It is a little thing that all kids have the ability to do as long as we parents encourage them but never force it upon them. This comes naturally. Just now, he saw the Spectrum Reflector words on his brother’s cap and he said Special Tum Reflector. Hahaha.

Anyway, E for Ediot is not what my little boy said but rather his three older brothers pulling his legs, as usual. And he retorted with “I Idiot lah!”

Which his older brother laughed, “Ha ha, you say you idiot.”

After that, another argument will start with ‘no, you idiot’.

‘No U not for idiot.’

Sigh….I think they have a future in parliament.

Anyway….one of the most hated question I ever heard from people is…

“Is that your grandson?”

One woman who stays in my apartment asked me. She will remain a non-neighbour, forever. I do not know what gives her the idea but I am going to hate her. Who cares about ‘Love thy neighbour?’ when she blatantly asked me a question like that without thinking?

Ok, maybe if she fell into the drain one day, I will be the nice samaritan and help her. Otherwise, don’t expect me to bring a casserole of food to her without better reason.

I mean, don’t you feel so, so, so insulted?

This morning, I went to the Air Putih market. One woman asked me, “Who is this boy?” while pointing to my little boy. I was with my two other sons, buying some things.

All my antennas were on alert. I was about to fling the eggs on her face. But I replied cooly, “My son?”

Like doh….I may went to the wet market but I was dressed for Gurney, ok?

But she explained, “Really? Wuah….what do you feed him? His skin is soooo beautiful. He looks like ang moh kia. Very rare to find little kids with such nice complexion. I thought this boy is from overseas.”

Doink, now you mean to ask if I got a Chinese husband and also an angmoh husband kah? My two older sons here are 101% Chinese ok? So, I told her proudly, “Mother’s milk.” and I bla bla bla to her the goodness of mother’s milk and how one can see the huge difference of a kid brought up on mom’s milk compared to cow’s milk. (I mean my boy had mom’s milk for the first 8 months of his life, not now lah. Sked people misunderstand.)

Wuah, I myself also really love to see my little boy’s complexion. It is pinkish and really, really smooth. Abuden, my skin also not so bad myself, so how come people get the idea of ‘Who’s your mader?’ Tiu. *please buy me some mirrors as gifts*

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More photos coming up…..

On the eve of the wedding, I asked my sister if she is going to stuff glutinous rice balls down her son’s throat. LOL. Normally, what Chinese Taoists do is to pray to their theen koong and feed the groom/bride-to-be tong yuen to signify wateva (sorry I am not sure). My niece also had her hair combed by the parents. But since we are in Singapore, it was too much of a bother so forget about the tong yuen.

The bride’s home is very near my nephew’s home. BTW, everything is freaking expensive in Singapore. His apartment with four rooms is enough to buy up a huge condo along the beach in Penang. *sweats*

First, the groom went to the bride’s home to pick her up and get tortured with the usual wasabi and tabasco stunts. We didn’t follow along. Then, the groom brings the bride home. My little boy was awfully cute in his suit. His job was to open the car door. I am so glad he was so cooperative on that morning eventhough we had to wake him up around 8 am. I bribed him that he will get an angpow that can buy him a Ben 10 toy.

My sister’s family in their Chinese traditional costumes. The nephew in red is almost 6 feet tall. It is not because the rest are midgets but instead, he is freaking tall, wokay? And ya, I know I look nothing like my sister because she follows my father’s look and I am stuck with my mother’s Sing Ning women look (fair, plump and very Chinese eyes). *bawls, mommy, why didn’t I get my father’s gene*

The bride came over to serve tea to the parents-in-law and us, the senior relatives. Then, the groom and bride went back to the bride’s home again to serve tea there. (wuah, so many trips, Singaporean style, I suppose?)

After the tea, it was the church wedding and later on, the dinner at Four Seasons Hotel in Orchard Road. Gosh, the dinner costs SGD1,400 per table. That’s about RM3,400 per table or RM340 per head. OMG, sons, all four of you better don’t marry any girls from Singapore, Hongkong or Taiwan because your father and I are too poor to finance your wedding, ok. Please find some girls from India which pays dowry to ME, ME, ME instead! LOL.

More about the dinner that costs RM340 per head in another post. The above is the cake cutting ceremony. The huge red rose arrangements are made with real, velvety red roses. I had to touch, smell and tear the petals to believe that they actually decorated the whole banquet hall with fresh red roses. *faints* Boh pien, I am a Penang suakoo.

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